WHAT MAKES A CHUG A CHUG?

Let’s get one thing clear before we pop the top on this hops infused issue. The CHUG I’m talking about pertains to the high-speed consumption of Beer from the beer. Chugging Beer from a glass/pilsner is an entirely different beast and should honestly not be referred to as chugging at all. It is simply… drinking. I don’t care if you can drink a Beer from a glass in 1 second flat. It is not the same skill. With a glass, there is no resistance. You are simply pouring the Beer down your throat. With a Can o’ Beer, you are actively forcing the liquid down your throat faster than it is physically possible to pour it out of the can.
How about a bottle? Once again, this is not a true CHUG. It is, as any good sidekick from the old West can attest, a beer.
Another popular method of high-speed Beer ingestion is known as beer, a technique that likes to masquerade as a CHUG. It’s the simple act of turning a Beer-can sideways and punching a hole in the bottom of it, usually with a car key. After which, you pop the top of the can and air rushes in forcing the liquid to flow swiftly as you suck the Beer down your throat through the hole you’ve just made. But as much fun as the act of shotgunning is, it is basically the Cliff Notes version of the Beer chug. It’s the lazy man’s chug. A true chug happens inside a vacuum. Once you’ve altered the integrity of the can, you’re more or less just cheating.
And truthfully, if you’re looking for flair, flash, and downright showmanship, there is no substitute for the pure, unadulterated chug that you get from a Can o’ Beer.

RESPECT WITH A CAPITAL “B”?

Within these musings, you will notice that the word Beer is always capitalized. The reason for this is the same reason so many religions capitalize the names of and references to their God or Gods… respect.
And why not?
I can’t tell you how many times a conversation about God or The Universe or Human Existence itself has been preceded by the copious consumption of that golden-brown wonder tonic of truth known throughout the world as Beer. In as much as the “B” in the Body of Christ is oft times capitalized, I have chosen to give the same honor to the “C” in Can o’ Beer. To drive this nail even deeper, I will go as far as to point out that the Body of Christ and the Can o’ Beer are monogrammatic soul mates… the BOC and the COB. Coincidence? I think not. How many times have you yourself, dear reader, made the observation that God spelled backwards is Dog? Especially when you’ve had a few COBs.
Respect the Beer and the Beer will respect you.

THE GLASS/PILSNER VERSUS THE CAN O’ BEER

NOTE: DO NOT USE BEER FOR THIS EXPERIMENT! Unless you are pouring it into a glass/pilsner that you will later empty into your belly. Never waste Beer, even in the name of science.
Fill a glass/pilsner with 12 ounces of water and see how fast you can pour it out. It takes less than a second. And with enough practice and discipline, you can train your body to swallow that liquid as fast as you can pour it from its container.
Now, fill a 12oz Beer-can with water and do the same test. It should take about 8 seconds. Try the test again, but this time around, squeeze and crush the can to help force the liquid out. Those 8 seconds are soon cut in half. And when combined with a powerful esophagus, and what I like to refer to as an unquenchable thirst for glory, you are soon staring right in the face of a 2 second chug.
Let’s face it. Drinking a Beer from a glass/pilsner requires one basic skill. Swallowing. Chugging a Can o’ Beer not only requires that same skill, but combines it with an acute sensitivity to the physics of the Beer-can and the execution of a finely finessed crushing technique I like to call canipulation. Also, it is far more stimulating both visually and aurally than merely drinking a Beer out of a glass/pilsner really, really fast. Envision it. The sound of the metal as the can is twisted and crushed, the rush of the Beer as it is corralled from can to throat, and the sound of the empty vessel as it is slammed down, drained of its very essence by the might and expertise of the chugger… it is truly magical

GOOD BEER/BAD BEER

All visual stimulation aside, the goal here is to chug a Beer as fast as humanly possible. If you have chugged a GOOD BEER, it will be obvious. Turn the crushed can over and see what’s inside. For the chug to be considered a GOOD BEER there should be less than 2 ounces left in the can… and it should be mostly foam. Any more than 2 ounces is, without question, a BAD BEER. The transgression of a BAD BEER should be met with absolute scorn and laughter from any and all spectators who witness it. Be prepared to take your licks if you can’t finish your Beer.

THE PERFECT CHUG IN 5 EASY STEPS

1. Pop the top. Bend the pull-tab back and forth until it snaps off the can. Make sure you do not RIP THE CAN OPEN in this step. Do not DENT the can in any way shape or form either. You want the can to be pristine when you crush the hell out of it.
   

2. In one smooth motion, grab the can with both hands and start chugging.

3. Canipulation: This step takes practice. Like the mighty Ninja of the wild, you must discover the zone and get into it. The timing of the Mad Crush and Twist is where you go from Chug-Pro to Chug-God.
   

1. LISTEN TO THE BEER. The sound of the beer as the can is emptied down your throat will help you know when to begin the Mad Crush and Twist.

2. FEEL THE BEER. The more you chug the more your fingers will become sensitive to the level of the Beer in the can.

4. The Mad Crush and Twist: As soon as enough Beer has left the can, begin the CRUSH. The key here is to know how much is enough. You want to crush from back to front, as if the Beer-can was a tube of toothpaste.

1. DO NOT TRAP THE BEER. If you squeeze too early or in the wrong spot you will trap the Beer in the can. This will lead to endless amounts of ridicule and shit talking when your “empty” can is checked and a steady stream of wasted Beer pours out, thus leaving you with a BAD BEER and ultimately making you look like a Big Wuss.

2. TIME THE TWIST. Once you have properly begun the CRUSH, behind the Beer inside the can, start to TWIST the can from back to front as you continue to Crush it. When mastered, this step will appear to be one swift, fluid motion and incite onlookers to utter phrases like “Fuckin’ A!” and “Shit yeah!”

3. OPEN YOUR THROAT. As you suck the Beer out of the can, open your throat. Think of it as literally pouring Beer directly into your stomach. The real trick here is to get all the Beer down your throat in ONE BIG SWALLOW. This is NOT easy to master. Practice makes perfect.

5. SLAM IT HOME. Once you have drained the can, slam it down hard. Feel free to follow up the slam with the victory strut of your choice. Showboat, gloat, dance, flip off everyone around you… this is really all up to the chugger and is also a colossal part of what makes the true Chug such an entertaining spectacle to witness. Keep in mind that you and the victory strut you execute will be endlessly mocked should you end up with a BAD BEER.

For a visual demonstration of this technique, watch the “How To Chug a Beer” Video Podcast.

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